u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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