Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
