"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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