I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
