went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
