Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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