i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Still dying that you shit outside
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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