I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
