when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
