Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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