I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
