But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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