There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
