Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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