I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
