I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
