dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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