we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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