glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize