He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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