My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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