What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
