i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
