So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
