On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
