So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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