i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
