just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize