Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
