Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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