I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Ketchup is God's man juice
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize