Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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