Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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