the condom got lost in my hair
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
