I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
