I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
