so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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