Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
