when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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