I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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