I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
