3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
