She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
