I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
