Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Houston, we have a blender
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
