I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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