it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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