two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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