So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
