alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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