When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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