Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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