I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
