My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
