Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
