remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
