Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
