How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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