i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Randomize
