The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The power of my boobs compel you
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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