I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
