I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
