if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
