I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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