I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
