Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
