I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
