I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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