I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Drunk is a universal language darling
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
