You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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