i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
