You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
